| crap |
[14 Feb 2009|09:56pm] |
| [ |
music |
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must love dogs |
] |
I always make the worst mistakes.
its like someone takes over my body and is a real ass hole and ruins everything for me.
and then Im only myself when I have ruined everything and no one wants anything to do with me, and then Im myself to pick up the mess this ass hole made. But as soon as I make new friends and start getting my life back on track that ass hole takes over once again. I feel like Im really myself right now for the first time in about 2 years. Im not ganna loose myself again. Im ganna fix everything and get my life totally on track....
ummmmmm.... yeah I guess thats about it.
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| part 2 |
[07 Feb 2009|02:06am] |
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music |
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the god of poetry |
] |
A friend once told me, after not seeing me for years "you look beaten but not broken."
I get it now
I broke
and I have never felt better in my life
Invigorating huh? the freedom of knowing you cant have anything taken away from you anymore. A man who wants nothing is invincible.
I am invincible.
thank you for this
if nothing else thank you for breaking me.
I love you dearly and this is the best thing anyone could have ever given me, better than flowers.
I am free now.
totally and utterly free from hurt, pain, fear.
I feel nothing, and have nothing, and nothing could ever have made me happier.
xoxoxo
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| love.....my ramblings |
[07 Feb 2009|12:34am] |
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(note: this doesn't particularly mean anything, I don't know if it means I want this person, or if I'm totally over this person, or if I just cant feel a damn thing anymore....regardless, I don't know what it means, or what I feel. Its just ramblings)
love is the craziest thing in the entire world
it can make you do crazy things
stupid things
it will make you change and forget who you are, because you are so afraid of loosing what you've got, and in doing so loose everything you were so afraid to loose
it will make you make the worst mistakes you've ever made, thinking you're doing the right thing
it will make you forget
it will make you belittle and humiliate yourself without thinking twice
it will make you forgive the unforgivable
it will make you question everything about who you are and what you've done
even when you've done nothing wrong
it will make you want the one person that has hurt you the most, more than anything else in the universe
it will make you hurt like crazy
and for some reason you just cant let go
you cant stop fighting for that love
even when you're down and have no fight left
it gives you the strength to charge again and again
even when you've had it, you're done
you've done EVERYTHING you possibly can do to hold on
beyond what you can do
beyond what you or anyone ever thought you could do
and even at the breaking point, you cant be broken
you forget the pain
you cant even feel any pain other that getting that person back
that person doesn't want you, they've told you and you've fought for so long
they tell you there is nothing left for you to do and you realize just how rock bottom and utterly helpless you are
you cant control them, you can barley control what happens to you,
and you accept fate
this is it, this is the end, there's nothing left I can possibly do beyond mind control
you accept the unacceptable
you hit rock bottom without feeling a thing because you have already been broken, you can be broken no more than you already are
you're dead and empty
you can't even cry you're so dead
then you realize you're stronger than you ever imagined
and maybe this feeling dead is your strength, nothing can touch you anymore, you are the unbreakable
you stand up
and you charge again
you fight again
when there is nothing left to fight for and you have no options
but refuse to yield
refuse
I feel nothing
I feel nothing but you
this is love
this is heartbreak
this is broken
and when nothing else can be done,
this is strength
this is love
real love
never accepting
always fighting
barley feeling anything
but knowing
there can be no more true love than this,
love is the craziest thing in the entire world
and it can most certainly make you do crazy things
things you never thought you would or could possibly do
love is crazy,
let me go crazy on you
(In writing this I have found an odd sense of clarity that makes no sense at all, I don't care if you want me or not, if you do fine, if you don't fine, you cant hurt me anymore either way. you have given me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, in all the heartbreak you have caused I am strong...no one can hurt me anymore. though I love you more than anything in the universe, and always will, I can survive without you. I can survive with no one, and you should know cause you're all I really had. I don't understand this feeling and could not possibly explain it, all I know is I feel like millions of pounds of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. not because you're gone but because no one can ever hurt me again, not even you. more on this as it develops....cig time)
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| Fuck men |
[04 Feb 2009|03:21pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dresden dolls |
] |
Fuck rob
Fuck the past 2 years and 8 months of my life
I wish Id never met him
Im never ganna take him back
I need a vacation
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| shit |
[13 Dec 2008|11:16pm] |
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fuck.
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| uck |
[09 Dec 2008|12:30pm] |
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music |
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some crappy tv show I couldent care less about |
] |
so I have no motivation to get a job, neither does Robert. I just want to go to school but now I cant do that. I spend a lot of time thinking latley. christmas feels good though.
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| Today is the first day of the rest of my life..... |
[04 Dec 2008|07:51am] |
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Today I am homeless
Today I find someone to watch my cats
Today I brave the pervs of the world
Today, Today, Today
Today I pray for strength and that I make all right decisions
get me out of here
but only I can get me out of here
Today everything changes, even me.
<33
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| havent been this sick for days eating nothing but my head |
[25 Nov 2008|05:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the red paintings- mercy seat and walls |
] |
nothing is the way it seems
nothing lasts forever
trust in no one
depend on no one
and Im sick of meeting these fucking kids who wanna cry about how their childhood was so shitty and life sucks and waaa waaa waaa
news flash:
everyone hates their childhood
no one is happy
no one has it worse than anyone else
shut up about your bullshit horrible life cause if you could shut up for 2 seconds and breath in the air we are blessed with and just enjoy life in its entirety
nothing can break you but you
nothing can hurt you unless you let it
you control everything in the way you decide to react to it
Im almost at rock bottom and nothing can stop me or hurt me
I appreciate life for what it is, life
ups and downs, good and bad, its all the same thing
stop crying and live damnit, live!!!!!!!!
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| well Im a completley diffrent person than I was before |
[18 Nov 2007|12:01pm] |
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music |
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none, rob stole my speakers :( |
] |
reading my old entries I dont even know who that was
but Ill tell you that I fucking rock and that Im happier than ever
moneys hard and no one wants to hire me and Im living with my mom
but so what
its not forever
its only temporary just like everything is
and Im stoked about everything
roberts the best thing that ever happend to me
lovin life
<3333
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[09 Dec 2006|03:52am] |
nothings been better
my lifes on pause
but atleast Im staying still happily
<33
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[07 Nov 2006|02:12pm] |
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I miss having friends that actually care about me, and I miss having a life.
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[24 Oct 2006|04:15pm] |
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Last night I cried for the first time in months. I didnt really know why at first, I just began crying and didnt understand. But then I realized it was all the things I havent thought about since Ive been with Robert, cause I never think anything negative when Im with him. Im in Virginia visiting my dad, I come home tomorrow. I refuse to be the loser Im turning out to be.... it just cant happen the way its going to....I have to change things.
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[09 Oct 2006|01:34am] |
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Im so happy
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[05 Oct 2006|02:21pm] |
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started my new job today.....my body hurts...I get paid on tuesday YAY!!!
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[04 Oct 2006|05:40pm] |
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you're ruining my fucking life. Im always your last priority. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! I want to die
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[01 Oct 2006|12:57am] |
Ive never been so happy in my entire life as I am now that Im with you
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[24 Sep 2006|07:32pm] |
you are a pesamistic bastard and I dont care if I spelled that right.
you argue everything. you're always fucking arguing everything anyone says even if you agree with them, just to see if they can prove their point. I FUCKING HATE YOU SOMETIMES!!!! you and I have had a conversation on how no one ever listens to what anyone ever has to fucking say...everyones so centered around themselves and what they think and just driving into everyone elses heads their own opinion. no one can ever shut the fuck up to two god damn seconds to listen to what other people have to say. YOU ARE WRONG IN MANY FUCKING THINGS AND YOU STILL ARGUE, YOU NEVER LISTEN. no one ever listens, you know that, we've talked about you, you hate it, YOU'RE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!!!!!! Im sick of no one ever listening to a god damn thing I ever have to fucking say, espically you, FUCK YOU. Ive been quiet for so long, but you fucking people are starting to fucking piss me off. no, I will not sit back and take and amount of unfairness, no matter how small the situation I WILL FUCKING TAKE IT TO A UNNESSICARY POINT, WHY? CAUSE IM PISSED. IF YOU DONT LISTEN TO ME I WILL GET PISSED ENOUGH TO HIT YOU....IVE BEEN DRIVEN TO A FUCKING POINT WHERE IM NOT GANNA FUCKING TAKE ANY OF YOUR GOD DAMN SHIT ANYMORE, NOT FROM ANYONE. I DONT FUCKING CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW, I ESPICALLY DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW OLD YOU ARE, JUST BECAUSE YOUR 20 SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN YOU KNOW MORE THAN ME, IT DOESNT MEAN YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH MORE THAN ME. AND ON THAT NOTE....NONE OF YOU PEOPLE KNOW ME OR WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH, YOU DONT KNOW WHERE I COME FROM OR ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA...BUT ILL TELL YOU THIS, IVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK, IVE SEEN HARD TIMES, IVE LIVED HARD TIMES AND WHEN I SAY I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT IT MEANS FUCKING LISTEN TO ME CAUSE I DO FUCKING KNOW. IM NOT GANNA BE QUIET LITTLE ASTRID ANY FUCKING MORE. IM ALISE, AND IM FUCKING SICK OF SITTING BACK AND WATCHING YOU FUCKING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME....IF THE PEOPLE IN NORTH CAROLINA SAW ME TAKING THE SHIT IVE TAKEN FROM YOU FUCKING PEOPLE THEY WOULD THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH ME. IVE NEVER BEEN QUIET, IVE NEVER LET ANYONE TREAT ME IN A WAY I DIDNT LIKE, I NEVER LET PEOPLE WIN ARGUMENTS WHEN I KNEW I WAS RIGHT, AND NO ONE EVER EVER EVER FUCKING DARED SAY "I WOULDENT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT" PEOPLE USED TO KISS MY ASS JUST SO I WOULDENT FUCKING KICK THEIRS...AND THEY KNEW I WOULD FUCKING DO IT. PEOPLE USED TO FEAR ME, I USED TO WALK DOWN THE HALLS AT SCHOOL AND BE ABLE TO SPIT ON PEOPLE AND NO ONE WOULD SAY A FUCKING THING. Astrid is a weak and quiet little girl that no one knows anything about except shes a pot head and everyone thinks shes dumb.....BY THE WAY MY IQ IS MORE THAN LIKLEY HIGHER THAN YOURS!!!! AND IM NOT THAT PERSON ANY FUCKING MORE. IM ALISE GOD DAMNIT AND IM FUCKING PROUD OF IT.
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[22 Sep 2006|02:32am] |
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I have to get a job....soon
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| I hate who Ive led myself to be |
[18 Sep 2006|12:51pm] |
I miss who I used to be
only the people in North Carolina know who I used to be
I hate that person too though
I want parts of who I am and parts of who I used to be to be the me today
last night this woman knocked on the door and was yelling that it was the cops
she sounded like a man
very convincing
I started hyperventalating
an overwhelming sense of doom
thats what everything feels like now
just an overwhelming sense of doom
thats my life
I feel like Ive already failed at my life
Im a nobody
Ive become a nobody
I have to change my state of mind
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[15 Sep 2006|02:25am] |
I need a serious change.
Im often wishing how I was someone else latley.
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